today was supposed to be the day

so what is new since the last time i wrote.... well we could start by saying that i turned 21! not too big of a celebration and to be honest i was hoping for a little more on my birthday but all the same i enjoyed being with the man i am in love with. i love the days where i know i get to spend them with my old man =) even if we don't do anything fun or diffterent, i just enjoy his company.... just him being around... his presence makes my heart a little lighter.

the story behind me calling him my old man was from a couple of days ago when we were over at his house and he was laying on the couch and i was laying on his stomach listening to pandora..... i was looking up at him carresing his face and then i chuckled and pointed out two gray hairs on his chin.... he just laughed and said it happens sometimes.... i told him that i still loved my old man... <3
so i got a new job. Jim N' Nicks. it is a bar-b-q place. yes i am still a server and i dread it everyday, but it gives me the money i need to survive... sorta.

so at this very moment i should be cleaning and doing laundry or start packing or something but instead i am on this bullshit writting about things that probably nobody cares about.... o well

i was very dissapointed in today.... today was supposed to be the day that we found out about the cottage in winder.... the cottage that would be perfect for me and brent both financially and personally. it is so cute the only thing it is missing is the fenced in back yard but i am sure we can adjust. hopefully we find out tomorrow or the next day whether or not we get it!

so i've sorta expressed to brent my fears about moving in together but i don't think he understands to the severity of it.... i am fucking scared out of my mind..... it freaks me out that it didn't work for me and joey and we had known each other for three years prior, like i knew joey and his bad habbits and personality and his views and outlooks on almost every aspect of life.... i knew what kind of person he wanted to be ultimately and even though he ultimately proved me wrong the idea of moving in with someone that i have only known for about 8 months now freaks me out.... yes i love brent with all of my heart and in most ways it is an even stronger love than i had for joey..... i respect brent and that is something i never had a strong feeling with for joey..... i love how brent stands up for me and he helps me stand up to my family..... i love knowing that i am what is important to him..... yes sometimes i feel like he doesn't express it to other people as much but i know he does..... but i have fears and they are fears i am scared to express with him.... i don't think we know each other very well.... i don't like discussing anything financial with him... i am terrified that our family issues and things are going to destroy us. i'm scared of him falling out of love with me or getting bored with me.... i am scared of catching him in a lie and horrified of our love dying. when i do talk about it he tells me that it will never happen or when i give examples of what i see he says that they are not us and i wonder if we are being naive..... i love brent and i can't stand the idea of another failure especially one that involves loosing him. he got mad at me last night when i tried to share my worries and said that i was so negative so i feel like i cannont express them anymore...

it also doesn't help that he kept it from me that he was texting elizabeth last weekend.... i don't care who texted who first.... and i can understand that an old friend that he obviously cares about and how he would want to text her and i think i might be okay with that but the fact that he kept it a secret instead of telling me made it seem sketchy like it was something enough he felt he needed to hide it and that is what bothers me the most. he said they were best friends and i can understand that to a point but with her she wasn't just a best friend but someone that brent truely cared about and possibly loved at one point plus they have BEEN together which changes things. also it seems a bit hippocritacle to be friends with an ex when he was so strong on the idea of not being friends with exes.... and even tho shabbie did something i wouldn't expect from him and i lost a little respect he was a best friend that i could have forgiven but i threw away a friendship because brent didn't want there to be one and i understood why and i love brent. so for him to go and be all buddy buddy with and ex seems a bit hippocrytical in my eyes.... and i want to not care about that aspect but of course it is still going to pop into my mind..... but i could even get over that if he had just came out and told me strait up instead of behind my back... it really hurts me and i dont know if he will understand that.... i don't want a huge fight or for it to even blow up out of porpotion... part of me wants to just drop it and act like i don't care but if i know me... that one will be an epic fail. another part of me wishes i didn't bring anything up so i could see if he was ever going to tell me or not.... part of me thinks he wouldn't have and that really hurts me because i tell him everytime an ex or someone out of the ordinary contacts me.... i just don't like secrets and it makes me feel like i wont know when or if he is keeping something from me and i hate that feeling of uncertainty.
i wonder if i wasn't sitting right beside him when rosa texted him if his response would have been the same or not...  i don't like doubt and with what he did this week he planted and has rooted in my thoughts and i don't want them there but i know me and they will stay there....
and this also brings up the fact that he chooses to delete some of his messages which is also shady to me.... it is like he is erasing things to hide them or keep them from me or whoever.... deleting his messages is sketchy and i am scared of being so freaking naive and ignoring any kind of signs that will later prove dishonesty and it really hurts my heart and makes it heavy.... but i can't tell brent that because he will get mad at me and i don't know how to handle him being mad or upset with me. and then i just feel like a weak person.

i don't understand how i can feel so much love and so much fear at the same time and i can say honestly that like at least 90% of me trust brent whole heartedly but there is that small percentage that feels like maybe i am just one stupid bitch.... because brent is so smart and i know he can do whatever he puts his mind to.... and that is a very good quality and i love him for that but it also scares me just a tiny bit.

it is weird how i can feel so scared but at the same time i feel this really strong sense of faith that everything is going to work out between me and brent... that we will have a love that others envy and that i do have nothing to worry about because i know his heart is good and he is ultimately a good man... he is my man.... and maybe just maybe he might be the one i spend the rest of my life with legally and that is a huge hurtle for thoses thought to even come out of my brain.

so its hard to fine time to do anything anymore.... and it's weird that i find myself doing nothing sometimes because i can't decide what should rank over what because i have so much to get done that i end up doing nothing sometimes. is that crazy? so i wrote a status on facebook last night
 "i don't know how not to miss you.... i never thought it would be like this .... your name is the name forever running through my brain."
i was talking about my ex fiance in this status in that no matter what i do i can't help but to miss him occasionally and that i never thought we would end up like this.... broken... and even though i love another man.... that he still crosses my mind all the time and i find myself comparing my relationship to what we had. I know i shouldn't compare because no two people are the same but when i look back on the level of feelings i had and how much i loved in the way i loved him.... i wonder if love will ever feel like that again...
anyways brent got on facebook last night and sent me a text message saying that i run through his brain all the time too.... i couldn't find the courage to tell him that it wasn't about him so i just didn't correct him, instead asked if he was on facebook..... is that really lying? me choosing to not correct him... its not like he asked and i omitted the truth. what am i saying? its wrong but is it better to tell him and cause doubt in his mind and possibly fight because he might not understand that although i love him there is this big part of me who is still hurt and still healing from this late relationship.
on monday i cried. like ugly cried.... i was driving down the freeway on the way to my last class and BAM it just hit me out of nowhere.... i missed joey.... i hate what happened.... how it all ended and i got really sad because that was not the way it was supposed to go down. we were supposed to get married and live together forever happily and make babies (maybe not the cutest) but it was supposed to happen... how could something i was so sure about end like that.... i had never been more sure of anything in my entire life and now it's over.....

so i wrote this in my history class last monday.....
"i am relizing more and more as time goes on that things were my fault.. yes. joey fucked up and he cheated and then on top of that lied to me.. and there is nothing that could be said that can change that fact. i got hurt yes. but when i agreed to try and work through it with him i should have let it go but i didn't. i let my family tear my bond from joey. i started to resent him more and more because of my family and all of the tension, instead i should have stuck up for him and stood beside him in all acusations and all looks of disgust. when he tried to talk to me i shouldn't have shut him out no matter how much i was hurting but i did. he tried to talk to me and i rejected it. i broke my commitment to him by not trying, by giving up. when did it become not worth it for me? i'm not exactly sure when or why but it did. brent didn't happen by accident. i lost it. i lost the desire to make it work and you can't do that when you make a commitment. that's one of the reasons i am so scared of marriage. how could it not be worth it to me anymore? how could i give up? will somebody give up on me one day or could i give up on somebody after that ultimate commitment was made? i'm just really lucky that me and joey hadn't made it yet. you would think that in the last declining weeks of me and joey that i never even loved him the way i just let him suffer. that one day in the closet, him hurting and me not caring enough to help his desperate cries, instead i responded with anger and betrayal. i left him ther with all the broken pieces of our relationship and turned to comfort in somebody else. i abandoned him. and that is the worst kind of hurt. at that party he drank so much, a desperate cry for my attention and help, but i yet again abandoned him in the arms of another man. i am evil. there is no way to sugarcoat it. things happen for a reason and there is some reason why joey beame not worth it anymore and i'm not sure why but i don't think you're supposed to understand why. it is all factors just pushing you through life. i was supposed to meet brent. maybe not even for me but for him. this is not to regret or miss what me and joey had but it makes me understand a litttle better that i am not inocent or a victim. i feel like shit how things went down but it makes me feel better to analize it. i like the understanding."
i don't know if any of this makes since but it is what i was feeling that day.... i do feel it still

on a lighter note... i love brent... i love sundays because we go to the church on pierce rd and i absolutely love his church and the people and just winder in general.... i love the hills and hills of cows and hay and oak trees with the roads lined with wooden fences... its like they never end. when i close my eyes  i can see myself getting married in a little open field next to a barn... long walks on the side of the road in some blue jean shorts and a tank top with the sun beaming on my skin... wearing a big beautiful smile holding the hand of a man that loves me or perhaps a little girl in a white dress with her hair in a french braid picking a flower saying "look momma it's so beautiful" i see her.... i see me.... i can smell the nature... i see my house... on a road to nowhere with a light brown fence... a green house with exposed stone.... almost looking like a little cottage... my baby blue pick up truck with Shayne and her brother in the back... smiles and waves to the neighbors and townspeople.... it is so blissful... my happy place and driving through winder brings this to me for some reason... i can't even explain it if i tried... and i looked foward to going each week...
sorry that was random lol but it means something to me...

i have always wanted to keep a journal... a sort of documentation of my life. i'll do good for a couple of weeks and then i seem to fall behind and i hate having gaps in my story so i'll quit. this actually seems to be a reaccuring thing to me, not just in my writing but with school and working out... it all ends the same me making plans to do something and after two weeks i quit. it makes me feel really bad about myself sometimes. and i know this next thing is a horrible statement to make but school is not the most important thing to me. like writting personal bullshit about my life would rank over doing my homework, and i would rather workout over doing my homework and that says a lot for me. i know i'm going to finish school eventually but it's so unstable along with everything else in my life that it is hard for me to stay focused. i really want to make some big changes in my life and of course i don't want everyone to know my cusiness but at the same time i don't want to leave gaps in my story.. i want the truth.... all of it.. pretty or ugly. just me. everything. my thoughts. my actions. nothing untold.
i guess we should start in saying that the kid i was trying so hard for with my hair and peircings didn't work out. we hung out the one day in Athens then his ex showed up and made things a little weird but ultimately he told me he didn't think he was in the right state of mind to treat me the way i should be treated, which was a very gentelman way to put it but i still call bullshit... i know the reason and i'm ashamed to say that it is because of my wight... like i thought i looked good that day but i looked back on a picture and i was HUGE! i know i shouldn't let that fact effect me so much but it did. i shouln't let my heart break over someone who judges on looks. i'm not saying i'm ugly but i do want to loose 65lbs. when i got back together with joey after the breakup with shabbie, i gained over 45lbs. i Hate that! it's to the point where i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i know how do i expect someone to love me if i don't even love myself right? but it did happen...
with brent =)
me and brent first hooked up October 9th, 2011. the only reason i know this date is because me and brent kept arguing about when we got together for the first time and we knew it was on the day that we went and watched my best friend play her game at Georgia Tech. so i just went on the schedual for the year and i found the real date. lol anyways he told me he loved me a couple weeks before christmas and i couldn't say it back.. i was scared to be honest because that gives him power over me but i didn't realize at the time that he already had it. but anyways we were making love on christmas eve or i guess it would techniquely be called early early christmas morning... regardless he came inside me for the first time and instead of being mad or upset i just said simply... "i love you" he looked me in the eyes and said the same then asked me to be his <3 i can't say that it has been perfect but i can say that is has progressivly gotten better.... as of february 8th as brent likes to say he is completely sure that i am it for him.... i guess we'll see how it goes. i believe everybody is entitled to mess up big once and brent took his and i am believing him more and more when he says that it will never happen again and that he has never been so sure of anything in his entire life but at times i feel like i'm setting myself up for some sort of tragic ending and i hate to say that but after everything that happened with joey i am honestly scared that if my heart gets broken like that ever again that i might never be able to have a serious relationship with any man ever again.... i already have my issues i don't need more to add onto.
brent told me last night that i have committment issues which really suprised me that him of all people, after everything he put me through, would say something like that... but he said like "SERIOUS" committment issues like marriage and things... and he is right. the idea of marriage scares the shit out of me and honestly i don't now if i will ever be willing to take that risk. i feel like if it didn't work for me and joey with the way our love was... then it wont work for anybody... the idea that maybe it wont be worth it for him to try anymore or for me even is the scariest thought in the world to me. i don't mind being a failure in some ways but that to me would be the ultimate failure.

hey :)

this is my first time as a blogger. i guess i'm just trying something new, just like everything else in my life is changing, i guess i figured might as well keep track of it at the same time. i do have another blog called tenacioushearts which contains a few of my writings, but don't get excited its just me pouring my guts out :p
my name is Megan Victoria Gentry and I am 20 years old. on may first 2012  i get the pleasure to celebrate my 21st birthday... i'll say i'm a little excited but nothing too crazy. i think mostly i'm just excited to have no limitations on whether or not i can go to a bar or a club with my friends, i wont feel like a baby anymore. it's embarrasing when my sisters take me out and then we have to go somewhere else because its not 18 and up. anyways i ramble sorry. o and by the way i'm not blonde like the picture shows. this just happened to be a bad experiment of desspiration to try and do something drastic after the horrible break up with my ex fiance.. notice the piercings, which i got redone the very day that this picture was taken for a couple reasons really. one being that i loved my previous piercings and two being that i was meeting an old childhood friend that weekend who i decided is the man of my dreams and my future husband one day, and i really kinda wanted to look like a badass/sexy. my attempts went down in epic proportion needless to say. it really kinda sucks and my heart is still kinda stinging from the burn of his rejection, but i guess thats life. anyways there will be more to come :)