so its hard to fine time to do anything anymore.... and it's weird that i find myself doing nothing sometimes because i can't decide what should rank over what because i have so much to get done that i end up doing nothing sometimes. is that crazy? so i wrote a status on facebook last night
 "i don't know how not to miss you.... i never thought it would be like this .... your name is the name forever running through my brain."
i was talking about my ex fiance in this status in that no matter what i do i can't help but to miss him occasionally and that i never thought we would end up like this.... broken... and even though i love another man.... that he still crosses my mind all the time and i find myself comparing my relationship to what we had. I know i shouldn't compare because no two people are the same but when i look back on the level of feelings i had and how much i loved in the way i loved him.... i wonder if love will ever feel like that again...
anyways brent got on facebook last night and sent me a text message saying that i run through his brain all the time too.... i couldn't find the courage to tell him that it wasn't about him so i just didn't correct him, instead asked if he was on facebook..... is that really lying? me choosing to not correct him... its not like he asked and i omitted the truth. what am i saying? its wrong but is it better to tell him and cause doubt in his mind and possibly fight because he might not understand that although i love him there is this big part of me who is still hurt and still healing from this late relationship.
on monday i cried. like ugly cried.... i was driving down the freeway on the way to my last class and BAM it just hit me out of nowhere.... i missed joey.... i hate what happened.... how it all ended and i got really sad because that was not the way it was supposed to go down. we were supposed to get married and live together forever happily and make babies (maybe not the cutest) but it was supposed to happen... how could something i was so sure about end like that.... i had never been more sure of anything in my entire life and now it's over.....

so i wrote this in my history class last monday.....
"i am relizing more and more as time goes on that things were my fault.. yes. joey fucked up and he cheated and then on top of that lied to me.. and there is nothing that could be said that can change that fact. i got hurt yes. but when i agreed to try and work through it with him i should have let it go but i didn't. i let my family tear my bond from joey. i started to resent him more and more because of my family and all of the tension, instead i should have stuck up for him and stood beside him in all acusations and all looks of disgust. when he tried to talk to me i shouldn't have shut him out no matter how much i was hurting but i did. he tried to talk to me and i rejected it. i broke my commitment to him by not trying, by giving up. when did it become not worth it for me? i'm not exactly sure when or why but it did. brent didn't happen by accident. i lost it. i lost the desire to make it work and you can't do that when you make a commitment. that's one of the reasons i am so scared of marriage. how could it not be worth it to me anymore? how could i give up? will somebody give up on me one day or could i give up on somebody after that ultimate commitment was made? i'm just really lucky that me and joey hadn't made it yet. you would think that in the last declining weeks of me and joey that i never even loved him the way i just let him suffer. that one day in the closet, him hurting and me not caring enough to help his desperate cries, instead i responded with anger and betrayal. i left him ther with all the broken pieces of our relationship and turned to comfort in somebody else. i abandoned him. and that is the worst kind of hurt. at that party he drank so much, a desperate cry for my attention and help, but i yet again abandoned him in the arms of another man. i am evil. there is no way to sugarcoat it. things happen for a reason and there is some reason why joey beame not worth it anymore and i'm not sure why but i don't think you're supposed to understand why. it is all factors just pushing you through life. i was supposed to meet brent. maybe not even for me but for him. this is not to regret or miss what me and joey had but it makes me understand a litttle better that i am not inocent or a victim. i feel like shit how things went down but it makes me feel better to analize it. i like the understanding."
i don't know if any of this makes since but it is what i was feeling that day.... i do feel it still

on a lighter note... i love brent... i love sundays because we go to the church on pierce rd and i absolutely love his church and the people and just winder in general.... i love the hills and hills of cows and hay and oak trees with the roads lined with wooden fences... its like they never end. when i close my eyes  i can see myself getting married in a little open field next to a barn... long walks on the side of the road in some blue jean shorts and a tank top with the sun beaming on my skin... wearing a big beautiful smile holding the hand of a man that loves me or perhaps a little girl in a white dress with her hair in a french braid picking a flower saying "look momma it's so beautiful" i see her.... i see me.... i can smell the nature... i see my house... on a road to nowhere with a light brown fence... a green house with exposed stone.... almost looking like a little cottage... my baby blue pick up truck with Shayne and her brother in the back... smiles and waves to the neighbors and townspeople.... it is so blissful... my happy place and driving through winder brings this to me for some reason... i can't even explain it if i tried... and i looked foward to going each week...
sorry that was random lol but it means something to me...