so what is new since the last time i wrote.... well we could start by saying that i turned 21! not too big of a celebration and to be honest i was hoping for a little more on my birthday but all the same i enjoyed being with the man i am in love with. i love the days where i know i get to spend them with my old man =) even if we don't do anything fun or diffterent, i just enjoy his company.... just him being around... his presence makes my heart a little lighter.
the story behind me calling him my old man was from a couple of days ago when we were over at his house and he was laying on the couch and i was laying on his stomach listening to pandora..... i was looking up at him carresing his face and then i chuckled and pointed out two gray hairs on his chin.... he just laughed and said it happens sometimes.... i told him that i still loved my old man... <3
so i got a new job. Jim N' Nicks. it is a bar-b-q place. yes i am still a server and i dread it everyday, but it gives me the money i need to survive... sorta.
so at this very moment i should be cleaning and doing laundry or start packing or something but instead i am on this bullshit writting about things that probably nobody cares about.... o well
i was very dissapointed in today.... today was supposed to be the day that we found out about the cottage in winder.... the cottage that would be perfect for me and brent both financially and personally. it is so cute the only thing it is missing is the fenced in back yard but i am sure we can adjust. hopefully we find out tomorrow or the next day whether or not we get it!
so i've sorta expressed to brent my fears about moving in together but i don't think he understands to the severity of it.... i am fucking scared out of my mind..... it freaks me out that it didn't work for me and joey and we had known each other for three years prior, like i knew joey and his bad habbits and personality and his views and outlooks on almost every aspect of life.... i knew what kind of person he wanted to be ultimately and even though he ultimately proved me wrong the idea of moving in with someone that i have only known for about 8 months now freaks me out.... yes i love brent with all of my heart and in most ways it is an even stronger love than i had for joey..... i respect brent and that is something i never had a strong feeling with for joey..... i love how brent stands up for me and he helps me stand up to my family..... i love knowing that i am what is important to him..... yes sometimes i feel like he doesn't express it to other people as much but i know he does..... but i have fears and they are fears i am scared to express with him.... i don't think we know each other very well.... i don't like discussing anything financial with him... i am terrified that our family issues and things are going to destroy us. i'm scared of him falling out of love with me or getting bored with me.... i am scared of catching him in a lie and horrified of our love dying. when i do talk about it he tells me that it will never happen or when i give examples of what i see he says that they are not us and i wonder if we are being naive..... i love brent and i can't stand the idea of another failure especially one that involves loosing him. he got mad at me last night when i tried to share my worries and said that i was so negative so i feel like i cannont express them anymore...
it also doesn't help that he kept it from me that he was texting elizabeth last weekend.... i don't care who texted who first.... and i can understand that an old friend that he obviously cares about and how he would want to text her and i think i might be okay with that but the fact that he kept it a secret instead of telling me made it seem sketchy like it was something enough he felt he needed to hide it and that is what bothers me the most. he said they were best friends and i can understand that to a point but with her she wasn't just a best friend but someone that brent truely cared about and possibly loved at one point plus they have BEEN together which changes things. also it seems a bit hippocritacle to be friends with an ex when he was so strong on the idea of not being friends with exes.... and even tho shabbie did something i wouldn't expect from him and i lost a little respect he was a best friend that i could have forgiven but i threw away a friendship because brent didn't want there to be one and i understood why and i love brent. so for him to go and be all buddy buddy with and ex seems a bit hippocrytical in my eyes.... and i want to not care about that aspect but of course it is still going to pop into my mind..... but i could even get over that if he had just came out and told me strait up instead of behind my back... it really hurts me and i dont know if he will understand that.... i don't want a huge fight or for it to even blow up out of porpotion... part of me wants to just drop it and act like i don't care but if i know me... that one will be an epic fail. another part of me wishes i didn't bring anything up so i could see if he was ever going to tell me or not.... part of me thinks he wouldn't have and that really hurts me because i tell him everytime an ex or someone out of the ordinary contacts me.... i just don't like secrets and it makes me feel like i wont know when or if he is keeping something from me and i hate that feeling of uncertainty.
i wonder if i wasn't sitting right beside him when rosa texted him if his response would have been the same or not... i don't like doubt and with what he did this week he planted and has rooted in my thoughts and i don't want them there but i know me and they will stay there....
and this also brings up the fact that he chooses to delete some of his messages which is also shady to me.... it is like he is erasing things to hide them or keep them from me or whoever.... deleting his messages is sketchy and i am scared of being so freaking naive and ignoring any kind of signs that will later prove dishonesty and it really hurts my heart and makes it heavy.... but i can't tell brent that because he will get mad at me and i don't know how to handle him being mad or upset with me. and then i just feel like a weak person.
i don't understand how i can feel so much love and so much fear at the same time and i can say honestly that like at least 90% of me trust brent whole heartedly but there is that small percentage that feels like maybe i am just one stupid bitch.... because brent is so smart and i know he can do whatever he puts his mind to.... and that is a very good quality and i love him for that but it also scares me just a tiny bit.
it is weird how i can feel so scared but at the same time i feel this really strong sense of faith that everything is going to work out between me and brent... that we will have a love that others envy and that i do have nothing to worry about because i know his heart is good and he is ultimately a good man... he is my man.... and maybe just maybe he might be the one i spend the rest of my life with legally and that is a huge hurtle for thoses thought to even come out of my brain.
