i have always wanted to keep a journal... a sort of documentation of my life. i'll do good for a couple of weeks and then i seem to fall behind and i hate having gaps in my story so i'll quit. this actually seems to be a reaccuring thing to me, not just in my writing but with school and working out... it all ends the same me making plans to do something and after two weeks i quit. it makes me feel really bad about myself sometimes. and i know this next thing is a horrible statement to make but school is not the most important thing to me. like writting personal bullshit about my life would rank over doing my homework, and i would rather workout over doing my homework and that says a lot for me. i know i'm going to finish school eventually but it's so unstable along with everything else in my life that it is hard for me to stay focused. i really want to make some big changes in my life and of course i don't want everyone to know my cusiness but at the same time i don't want to leave gaps in my story.. i want the truth.... all of it.. pretty or ugly. just me. everything. my thoughts. my actions. nothing untold.
i guess we should start in saying that the kid i was trying so hard for with my hair and peircings didn't work out. we hung out the one day in Athens then his ex showed up and made things a little weird but ultimately he told me he didn't think he was in the right state of mind to treat me the way i should be treated, which was a very gentelman way to put it but i still call bullshit... i know the reason and i'm ashamed to say that it is because of my wight... like i thought i looked good that day but i looked back on a picture and i was HUGE! i know i shouldn't let that fact effect me so much but it did. i shouln't let my heart break over someone who judges on looks. i'm not saying i'm ugly but i do want to loose 65lbs. when i got back together with joey after the breakup with shabbie, i gained over 45lbs. i Hate that! it's to the point where i feel uncomfortable in my own skin. i know how do i expect someone to love me if i don't even love myself right? but it did happen...
with brent =)
me and brent first hooked up October 9th, 2011. the only reason i know this date is because me and brent kept arguing about when we got together for the first time and we knew it was on the day that we went and watched my best friend play her game at Georgia Tech. so i just went on the schedual for the year and i found the real date. lol anyways he told me he loved me a couple weeks before christmas and i couldn't say it back.. i was scared to be honest because that gives him power over me but i didn't realize at the time that he already had it. but anyways we were making love on christmas eve or i guess it would techniquely be called early early christmas morning... regardless he came inside me for the first time and instead of being mad or upset i just said simply... "i love you" he looked me in the eyes and said the same then asked me to be his <3 i can't say that it has been perfect but i can say that is has progressivly gotten better.... as of february 8th as brent likes to say he is completely sure that i am it for him.... i guess we'll see how it goes. i believe everybody is entitled to mess up big once and brent took his and i am believing him more and more when he says that it will never happen again and that he has never been so sure of anything in his entire life but at times i feel like i'm setting myself up for some sort of tragic ending and i hate to say that but after everything that happened with joey i am honestly scared that if my heart gets broken like that ever again that i might never be able to have a serious relationship with any man ever again.... i already have my issues i don't need more to add onto.
brent told me last night that i have committment issues which really suprised me that him of all people, after everything he put me through, would say something like that... but he said like "SERIOUS" committment issues like marriage and things... and he is right. the idea of marriage scares the shit out of me and honestly i don't now if i will ever be willing to take that risk. i feel like if it didn't work for me and joey with the way our love was... then it wont work for anybody... the idea that maybe it wont be worth it for him to try anymore or for me even is the scariest thought in the world to me. i don't mind being a failure in some ways but that to me would be the ultimate failure.

hey :)

this is my first time as a blogger. i guess i'm just trying something new, just like everything else in my life is changing, i guess i figured might as well keep track of it at the same time. i do have another blog called tenacioushearts which contains a few of my writings, but don't get excited its just me pouring my guts out :p
my name is Megan Victoria Gentry and I am 20 years old. on may first 2012  i get the pleasure to celebrate my 21st birthday... i'll say i'm a little excited but nothing too crazy. i think mostly i'm just excited to have no limitations on whether or not i can go to a bar or a club with my friends, i wont feel like a baby anymore. it's embarrasing when my sisters take me out and then we have to go somewhere else because its not 18 and up. anyways i ramble sorry. o and by the way i'm not blonde like the picture shows. this just happened to be a bad experiment of desspiration to try and do something drastic after the horrible break up with my ex fiance.. notice the piercings, which i got redone the very day that this picture was taken for a couple reasons really. one being that i loved my previous piercings and two being that i was meeting an old childhood friend that weekend who i decided is the man of my dreams and my future husband one day, and i really kinda wanted to look like a badass/sexy. my attempts went down in epic proportion needless to say. it really kinda sucks and my heart is still kinda stinging from the burn of his rejection, but i guess thats life. anyways there will be more to come :)